My typo game is string.
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Ha.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?