My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!