My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed