My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
