My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE