My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
mechanics be like
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.