Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot