Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.