My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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It do be feeling this way.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’