My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.