5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
So, can we agree on 4 or
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.