@shutupmikeginn: My Uber driver just asked if I knew where to buy cocaine and I pretended to think about it a while before saying no, so he’d think I was cool.
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@Cheeseboy22: Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That'll show em'.
@Ristolable: Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
@RexHuppke: When the priest says "Body of Christ" I say "Thanks, I've been working out." Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.