@shutupmikeginn: My Uber driver just asked if I knew where to buy cocaine and I pretended to think about it a while before saying no, so he’d think I was cool.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AbbieEvansXO: St Peter: sorry you didn't get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses My dog: she's my support person
@IAmMikeFeeney: The first thing I'm going to do when I'm rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
@Tmoney68: Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong? *flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home* Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
@fro_vo: Dad: listen to me son: don't ever let anyone tell you what to do Son: okay Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY