Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

Meat Cute

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.