My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
You Might Also Like
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?