Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

🤣🤣💀

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off