my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
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“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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No. He’s not coming out to play
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
This is me 🤣🤣
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Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol