my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
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Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
me hooking up with my ex
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree