my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I have two kinds of followers
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
bad news gang
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
We’re all getting idioter.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.