My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
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got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.