Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Vodka burrito was a success