Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches