My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive