My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid