My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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looks legit
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
#catsoftwitter
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.