my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
The First Farmer
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.