My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf