Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

People buying plungers never look happy.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess