Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

“Sheer Arrogance”

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.