[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.