[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
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[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank