my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.