my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted