my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
You Might Also Like
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed