My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.