Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Perfect

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Software Development ⛵️