My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
What the hell is going on?
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I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately