“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The legends were true
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular