Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?