“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…