My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’M CRYINGGG
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.