Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Canadian Geese are always forgetting they’re birds. have some grace…show some elegance…u could go to Puerto Rico but instead ur screaming outside the bank

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef