My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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#damn
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
awkward
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”