My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.