My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The Book. The Movie.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”