My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else