My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
who called it hell and not heaven’t
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”