My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
guys i’ve cracked the code
👾👾👾
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!