My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.