My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
You Might Also Like
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
me hooking up with my ex
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.