My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
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I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore