My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
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I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
The photographer’s assistant
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably