Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

🤣🤣🤣

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Nice try, NASA

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name