Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.