My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
You Might Also Like
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
