My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep