My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…