My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
(Electricians.)
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr