Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

where the womens at?