My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.