My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.