my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
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just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids