my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”![]()
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”