My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

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Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops


There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.


Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.


Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?


I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.


Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?


[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought


mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years


I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.


*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*