My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Breaking news:
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.