Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.