my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing