my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?