Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

#merica

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Donating blood today to make room for more food

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

Couple goals