My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
i hate you platonically
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
💀💀
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*