My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.