My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
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Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
this makes me so uncomfortable
