My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Cndnsd Mlk
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.