My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
You Might Also Like
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*